I Hate Me.

I hate that I can’t be someone my mother loves.

I hate that I can’t be someone my step-father loves.

I hate that I can’t be someone my biological loves.

I hate that I can’t be someone who makes her husband happy. That I can’t be someone he loves and is kind to all the time.

I hate that I can’t be kind to my children. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t be as loving as I want. I try. I try hard. I guess it’s mostly a learned thing that I just can’t seem to surpass.

I hate that I’m overweight and can’t seem to lose a pound, no matter how hard I try.

I hate that I’m depressed and anxious over almost everything in life.

I hate that the depression and anxiety make it hard for me to do  anything.

I hate that it feels like a victory if I can brush my teeth or my hair in a given day.

I hate that I can’t be good at anything. That I never accomplish anything.

I hate that I fail at everything I try.

I hate that I self-sabotage myself every time something good happens.

I hate that people I know and love, that anybody has to be near enough to feel my toxicity.

I hate me.

I Think It’s Official. I Hate

my therapist. Or clinician. Whatever you want to call her.

I was supposed to have an appointment on Thursday with her. It didn’t happen.

I take a medicine for my diabetes that sometimes causes problems with my lower digestion tract. I’ll leave it at that, but I think you get the picture.

It doesn’t happen everyday. But sometimes it hits me hard. That happened Thursday.

I ended up being late to my appointment because of this. I thought I was only going to be late by 10 minutes at the most. It ended up I was 15 minutes late.

I’ve been having a hard time lately, and I thought she would at least see me for a half hour session.

Not the case.

First she made me wait 10 minutes before she came out to get me. Okay. Just a little bit of passive-aggressive behavior on her part.

When she got me back to her office she just flat out said that she was going to reschedule me.

No hi, how ya doing? Is everything okay? Nothing.

I explained to her what happened, why I was late.

It didn’t matter to her. She rescheduled me for over 3 weeks out.

I pleaded with her to see me for a half hour session.

She kept saying no. The reason she gave me was that she had planned an activity that would last an hour. She also said that people who have half hour sessions are only scheduled when an activity that lasts only a half hour is scheduled. (She has only once in the last year or so EVER scheduled anything with me. Usually it’s just talk about what’s going on in my life).

I asked her if there was any flexibility in her planning.

Nope. Not at all.

In fact, she dropped her pen, let her hand fall into her lap, gave an exaggerated sigh and said, in exasperated voice, No, Melissa, there isn’t.

I told her that I didn’t appreciate her demeanor while telling me this. I told her I felt she was being very unprofessional.

One of the things I work on is perceiving the world correctly. Sometimes I read into things more than what they are. Not the case here.

She does shit like that to me all the time. When I call her on it, she says in a completely over-sickeningly sweet voice that she is sorry I am perceiving her that way, but that’s not what she intended.

Like I’m so goddamn fucked up I can’t tell that she’s screwing with me.

What the fuck ever, bitch.

I’m sick of it.

Long ago I asked her if I could speak to her supervisor about switching to a new clinician. I told her I felt we didn’t quite click and that I really didn’t feel comfortable with her. On a side note, one day she let me sit the whole hour with salad dressing on my face. Funny now, but who would do that?

She told me that there would be a next to zero chance of me being able to switch to a different clinician. She said it was just something that they did not do, unless there was an extremely MAJOR problem. She said I could try, but that I’d be wasting my time, because it just wouldn’t happen.

So I let it go. And kept seeing her for the last few months. I think I talked about one of my last appointments on here. The one where she made me feel like shit because I didn’t call to reschedule my son’s appointment.

I called her supervisor after Thursday’s incident and explained everything to him.

One of the things I mentioned was not speaking to a supervisor earlier because my clinician told me there was pretty much no chance I would be able to switch to someone else.

Her supervisor told me that that was certainly NOT TRUE.

What I don’t get is why she wouldn’t let me see if I could switch earlier?

Was she afraid that it would look bad on her?

Or did she think she would get in trouble?

Did she think she was so fucking amazing that she could fix what was unfixable with our client/provider relationship?

I just don’t get it.

I’m done with her though.

Completely.

I told her supervisor that I would not have any appointments with her. Either they switched me, or I would suffer on my own.

I don’t need her to make me feel worse than I already do.

I am proud that I took a leap and used the phone to contact the supervisor to stand up for myself.

Wooo Hooo!!

Having A Best Friend Means

that even if you had plans for her to come over and something else came up, like your kids are invited to a birthday party, she will still come over just to wait for you to come home.

And when you are gone she will clean your kitchen, just to help you out. She will do all of your dishes, even if there are more than 1 dishwasher load, even if she hates to do dishes. She will clean off your counters, tables, and computer desk (which is in the kitchen) because she knows about your OCD and how you have a really hard time throwing away certain things.

And when you finally realize that the kitchen is clean and wondering who did it she will say

Please don’t be mad at me.

And all you can say is,How can I be mad at you for helping me out. For understanding that I have certain obstacles and difficulties in my life. For helping me overcome those obstacles and difficulties without ever, ever judging me. For just jumping in and giving me a hand. Most people wouldn’t do that.  I will never be mad at you for helping me. I love you and appreciate what you do for me. And even though James takes you away from me most of the time, you are still my best friend and I will always be here for you, because you will always be there for me.

I love you, Lisa. Thank you for letting me be me.

(I apologize for the bad photo, once again. I had to download it from my facebook account, and photos always suck when you do that).

This Past Weekend My Husband

and I, but mostly my husband had the pleasure of helping one of our friend’s mom out. I’ll call her Nana.

Friday morning they woke up without power to three of the rooms in their home. They tried the normal things you would try if this happened to you. Nothing worked.

My husband said he would go take a peek to see if he could figure out what was wrong. He was able to fix it. Turns out it was a loose wire.

After he was done with that, Nana mentioned how she was able to purchase a newer washer and dryer from a friend who was losing her home, and how someone she knew said he would pick up the washer and dryer and ONLY charge her $25 depending on how far he had to drive.

Really?

We spent most of the day Saturday helping Nana get the washer and dryer, haul away her old ones to Goodwill and hook up the newer ones.

And we did it for free. Who charges a FRIEND money to do things like that? Especially if it’s in town.

That’s not the point of this story though. It’s a long-winded way of getting to the point. I have more long-windedness before I get to the point. Please bear with me. I can’t help it.

This wonderful, kind woman has watched our three children a few times before. Why? Because she likes to do it. And she has never asked us for a dime to do it. She even feeds them every time they come over.

In about two years my husband and I, along with our friend, who is Nana’s daughter, and her boyfriend would like to take a cruise. I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise, but I really do not want to take children and I have nowhere to bring them.

The dog kennel won’t accept children. Even if it’s only for a couple of days.

Nana said she would be happy to watch the kids while we’re gone. Even if she has to take vacation to do it.

Imagine that. Someone wanting to take vacation to watch our kids. For free.

I broke out in tears when she told me she would be more than happy to do this.

She looked a little perplexed and I explained how I didn’t think my own family would do it, even if we paid them.

Her response was that being paid wasn’t the point. The point was being able to spend time with the children.

I just cried harder. Where has this woman been my entire life? Someone who enjoys spending time with me, and with my children. Just for the joy of it.

I thanked her for “getting it.”

How come everyone can’t “get it?”

And by everyone, I pretty much mean my family.

Nana says, “God works in mysterious ways.” I am inclined to believe she is right.

I cry as I type this, but they are mostly tears of joy. I feel blessed that this wonderful woman has come into our lives.

It feels good to have someone to call family. I never knew family could make a person feel this good.

I Was Waiting For Something

good to happen. That’s why I haven’t posted in a while. Well. Nothing good has happened. Yet.

The last thing I want this blog to be is a poor me blog. That’s not the point of it. I want to share my feelings, good, bad, and indifferent. It seems as if I’ve been on a low lately, so there has pretty much just been a little bit of bad.

I hate when I go into my therapist’s office feeling okay and end up being completely and totally blindsided by her.

My 11 year old son needs some treatment too. I’ve been trying to get him back into therapy for over a year now. Finally, they listened to me, even though his medication doctor thinks he “looks fine and doesn’t need therapy.”

Due to some of my own issues he ended up missing this appointment. Then my daughter became sick. I mean really sick. Like temperatures around 104.4 F. Then when she started to feel better, I was hit dead on with whatever she had. And, let me tell you, I just felt like I wanted to die. I was sick. Sore throat, Cough that rattled to the bottom of my chest. Fever. Just a generally all around BAD malaise. I just wanted to lie down and not ever have to get back up again.

I hadn’t called to reschedule my son’s appointment, because I figured I should wait until we were all well again. They won’t see anyone if they are sick.

But she made me feel like shit because I hadn’t done it already. And I told her my reasons. Being sick was one of them. The other was this crazy bad phone anxiety I have. I hate the phone. I hate to use the phone for almost anything. Even if it’s just a simple call to a friend. I don’t like it.

She just kept going over how I should have called before, even if we were sick. Even if I have a strange phobia of the phone. She went over this five times during the session. I swear.

So I blubbered and cried through the entire session.

Why, she asked?

Because I feel stupid for not wanting to use the phone. I feel bad that I didn’t follow through with something that will benefit my child. It just all around makes me feel bad. And then for her to continue to go over it again and again (which she denied doing), just made me feel worse and worse.

What do I do to feel better? I don’t like feeling like this. Why didn’t that little girl inside of me grow up, so I can have normal adult emotions? Why is she such a big part of me? Why can’t the “normal” me win over the little girl part of me.

I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel better and be right. It seems like it should be so simple. The intelligent part of me says it should.

The little girls says it’s not.

A Bit Of A Sad Day

I feel like I’m having a tiny bit of a breakdown today. I’m just weepy and sad. I don’t really feel like doing anything either. It’s nothing major. just the same old stuff I go through all the time.

I can’t really pin down the reason for this low. And of course I have to pick everything apart and try to understand every deep dark little crevice.

Maybe it’s because I just came down from a mini mania. And when I come down or go up, I usually cannot sleep for a night or two.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick the last few days with a fever and a nasty cough.

Maybe it’s because a few days ago I found and old friend who has always been dear to me. Even though we had a nasty falling out.

And even though this falling out was 12 years ago, she still doesn’t seem ready or willing to forgive me.

And even though I wrote and email and told her I was so, so, very sorry for what had happened in the past, she just said she didn’t know what to say and offered no apology in return.

And that’s okay. Really it is. She doesn’t have to apologize if she doesn’t want or isn’t really sincere about it.

She doesn’t even have to like me.

But it still makes me sad that 12 years later she is still holding this grudge over me, in the beautiful Christian heart of hers.

What does that say for me?

Am I so horrible now, or was I such a monster in the past that I don’t deserve forgiveness?

Is this problem, or hers.

Do I just let her go again? I think maybe I should, because it’s hurting my heart, but at the same time, I just don’t feel okay about it.

Maybe the low is because I would have been 5 minutes late for school and couldn’t handle the idea of walking into that auditorium and walking to the front center, where my spot is, in front of 140 other people.

Maybe it’s because instead of going to college, I went to Burger King, where I went inside the restaurant (if you could call it that) and ate by myself.

And even though I knew I was going in by myself, on purpose, I still felt totally alone and isolated eating my fries and Whopper at that small, lonely table.

Or maybe it’s because I paid $69.50 for a pair of jeans yesterday.

I’m not sure. But that’s all I’ve got.

I really do not want to go to school tonight. I have biology lab, and it’s a very tough class. I just don’t feel mentally strong enough or prepared to endure the challenge.

Here’s me. Just a little sad today. I should be happy that you can’t actually see any of my gray hairs….

I Just Told My Best

friend that I don’t care for her boyfriend. They have only known each other for about 2 months. At first he seemed okay, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized that he wasn’t really right for her.

How do I know he’s not right for her? I can’t explain it. It’s a gut feeling I have. It SCREAMS at me every time they’re together.

I hate that she rarely talks to me or to her other “old” friends now that she’s with him. It’s like she’s lost all self identity. This fast.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I just felt I had to. I felt like I was being fake. Like I was being a two-faced person. Lying. I don’t like feeling like that. I’d rather have everything out in the open, even if it hurts.

Was I wrong?

I feel like I’m going to lose her. Especially now after what I told her. I ache to the very core.

Irrational Fear of Sleep

Yes, I have an irrational fear of sleep. I hate to sleep. I would rather sit up staring in a stupor at the computer screen, so tired I cannot even comprehend what I’m looking at, then actually go lay down and fall asleep. I would rather stay up as long as possible and be so tired I can hardly function the next day, then go relax and drift of to dream land.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is one of the diagnosis's I received a couple years back. I think it’s one of the “heavier” ones they told me I had.

Because of it, I have terrible nightmares. These nightmares are so vivid and real like I will wake up scared out of my mind. I’ll be so scared I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m really awake or alive. I’ll be afraid to get up and use the bathroom, or to roll over and wake my husband up, for fear that the things that happen in these dreams are actually true.

Many times I will still be in the dream stage of sleep, so when I wake up I’m paralyzed. This is especially scary because I dream that I’m dying quite often.

So, even though I told my husband I was turning off the computer and coming to bed, here I still sit, typing a post that most certainly could have waited until tomorrow.

I do not like clowns, and have nightmares about them often.

Photo courtesy of  therealjondo

One Of The Reasons

I start to wonder if I'm really just wasting my time trying to get my BSN in nursing is when I start to have a panic attack and burst into tears when I'm told I cannot look over a test I've already turned in.

Because the instructor didn't give me the directions for the test before she let me start it.

Even if I arrived to class 25 minutes late on a test night so I wasn't there to hear the instructions in the first place.

And that's only because, apparently, I can't tell time.

How the hell will I EVER be able to hold down a job? A demanding nursing job, at that, if I can't even hold myself together when I'm not allowed to look at a test after the instructor gave me some instructions after I turned the test in?

I hate that I can not have a "normal" reaction to a given situation about 95% of the time. Well, I don't know if it's quite 95%. But that's what we're going to go with. 

I'm learning in therapy how to "be in the moment." How to use my "wise mind."

There's obviously a shortage of wise minds being in the moment around here.

It Starts. Maybe.

This is a blog I've wanted to start for a very long time. I've actually started it in other place, done a post or two, and then left it alone.

I want to blog about my mental health. It ain't always pretty and I don't like to put stuff that's too heavy on my other blog. I try to keep that one sort of funny. If you could call it that.

Whatever.

Anyway, I am just really scared to begin this blog. About a year and a half ago (2 years? something like that), I was diagnosed with some afflictions. See? I'm afraid to even say them. I put up a blog about it on MySpace, and my family saw it.

Needless to say, they were PISSED!! It was just one more example of how I'm such a bad daughter. How could I DO that to my family? Oh, it was terrible. Family members who I hadn't talked to in years and years were coming out of the woodwork to tell me how bad it was and ask me how I could do that to my family.

I did take that blog down. I realized that how I worded some of the stuff, it did sound like I was being terribly harsh and mean. but I didn't really intend for it to all come out like that.

I've thought about trying to make the blog anonymous, but then I'm not really being true, am I? Not only that but there are so many ways to figure out who is actually writing the blog. So, I feel that it's just kind of pointless to try to do it that way.

Plus my family pretty much doesn't even talk to me anymore. What do I have to lose?

But why do I feel the need to write this blog now?

To help me feel sane.