good to happen. That’s why I haven’t posted in a while. Well. Nothing good has happened. Yet.
The last thing I want this blog to be is a poor me blog. That’s not the point of it. I want to share my feelings, good, bad, and indifferent. It seems as if I’ve been on a low lately, so there has pretty much just been a little bit of bad.
I hate when I go into my therapist’s office feeling okay and end up being completely and totally blindsided by her.
My 11 year old son needs some treatment too. I’ve been trying to get him back into therapy for over a year now. Finally, they listened to me, even though his medication doctor thinks he “looks fine and doesn’t need therapy.”
Due to some of my own issues he ended up missing this appointment. Then my daughter became sick. I mean really sick. Like temperatures around 104.4 F. Then when she started to feel better, I was hit dead on with whatever she had. And, let me tell you, I just felt like I wanted to die. I was sick. Sore throat, Cough that rattled to the bottom of my chest. Fever. Just a generally all around BAD malaise. I just wanted to lie down and not ever have to get back up again.
I hadn’t called to reschedule my son’s appointment, because I figured I should wait until we were all well again. They won’t see anyone if they are sick.
But she made me feel like shit because I hadn’t done it already. And I told her my reasons. Being sick was one of them. The other was this crazy bad phone anxiety I have. I hate the phone. I hate to use the phone for almost anything. Even if it’s just a simple call to a friend. I don’t like it.
She just kept going over how I should have called before, even if we were sick. Even if I have a strange phobia of the phone. She went over this five times during the session. I swear.
So I blubbered and cried through the entire session.
Why, she asked?
Because I feel stupid for not wanting to use the phone. I feel bad that I didn’t follow through with something that will benefit my child. It just all around makes me feel bad. And then for her to continue to go over it again and again (which she denied doing), just made me feel worse and worse.
What do I do to feel better? I don’t like feeling like this. Why didn’t that little girl inside of me grow up, so I can have normal adult emotions? Why is she such a big part of me? Why can’t the “normal” me win over the little girl part of me.
I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel better and be right. It seems like it should be so simple. The intelligent part of me says it should.
The little girls says it’s not.
Wow. That was really powerful - and you really struck a chord with me. I have phone anxiety too. I never admitted it before, because I thought it was stupid. Maybe it is. But really close friends want to call and chat and I make every excuse under the sun not to.
ReplyDeleteTexting - I'm fine with. 'Chatting' online (i.e. typing) - even better. But talking? Picking up the phone and having a conversation? Not if I can possibly avoid it.
So thank you, for showing me I'm not alone. Now, I hope you realise you're not alone, either. I hope things start to get better for you really soon. And if you want to chat...well, I'm just the other end of an E-MAIL! Seriously. Feel free to email me if you want to :)
bubbleboo, can you send me your e-mail addy? I tried to send you an e-mail, but I don't think it actually went to you. It was a no-reply for blogger. And it won't let me see your profile either. Says it's not public. My e-mail is mikenmeesa at msn dot com.
ReplyDeleteI've sent an e-mail :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously? You're afraid of the phone, too?! Holy shit, I thought I was alone in that particular anxiety. Like, I don't start screaming or anything, I just flat out don't like talking on the phone because I hate my voice. I hate answering machines even more.
ReplyDelete