My Inner Child Cries: A Bit Of A Sad Day

I feel like I’m having a tiny bit of a breakdown today. I’m just weepy and sad. I don’t really feel like doing anything either. It’s nothing major. just the same old stuff I go through all the time.

I can’t really pin down the reason for this low. And of course I have to pick everything apart and try to understand every deep dark little crevice.

Maybe it’s because I just came down from a mini mania. And when I come down or go up, I usually cannot sleep for a night or two.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick the last few days with a fever and a nasty cough.

Maybe it’s because a few days ago I found and old friend who has always been dear to me. Even though we had a nasty falling out.

And even though this falling out was 12 years ago, she still doesn’t seem ready or willing to forgive me.

And even though I wrote and email and told her I was so, so, very sorry for what had happened in the past, she just said she didn’t know what to say and offered no apology in return.

And that’s okay. Really it is. She doesn’t have to apologize if she doesn’t want or isn’t really sincere about it.

She doesn’t even have to like me.

But it still makes me sad that 12 years later she is still holding this grudge over me, in the beautiful Christian heart of hers.

What does that say for me?

Am I so horrible now, or was I such a monster in the past that I don’t deserve forgiveness?

Is this problem, or hers.

Do I just let her go again? I think maybe I should, because it’s hurting my heart, but at the same time, I just don’t feel okay about it.

Maybe the low is because I would have been 5 minutes late for school and couldn’t handle the idea of walking into that auditorium and walking to the front center, where my spot is, in front of 140 other people.

Maybe it’s because instead of going to college, I went to Burger King, where I went inside the restaurant (if you could call it that) and ate by myself.

And even though I knew I was going in by myself, on purpose, I still felt totally alone and isolated eating my fries and Whopper at that small, lonely table.

Or maybe it’s because I paid $69.50 for a pair of jeans yesterday.

I’m not sure. But that’s all I’ve got.

I really do not want to go to school tonight. I have biology lab, and it’s a very tough class. I just don’t feel mentally strong enough or prepared to endure the challenge.