I hate that I can’t be someone my mother loves.
I hate that I can’t be someone my step-father loves.
I hate that I can’t be someone my biological loves.
I hate that I can’t be someone who makes her husband happy. That I can’t be someone he loves and is kind to all the time.
I hate that I can’t be kind to my children. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t be as loving as I want. I try. I try hard. I guess it’s mostly a learned thing that I just can’t seem to surpass.
I hate that I’m overweight and can’t seem to lose a pound, no matter how hard I try.
I hate that I’m depressed and anxious over almost everything in life.
I hate that the depression and anxiety make it hard for me to do anything.
I hate that it feels like a victory if I can brush my teeth or my hair in a given day.
I hate that I can’t be good at anything. That I never accomplish anything.
I hate that I fail at everything I try.
I hate that I self-sabotage myself every time something good happens.
I hate that people I know and love, that anybody has to be near enough to feel my toxicity.
I hate me.
I wish I could give you a hug. *HUG!!!* That will have to do.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the being kind to your children. I feel down right rotten sometimes to my oldest. And he's just being your typical 2/3 year old. I feel soooo guilty. And he has taken to yelling at people... because he's mimicking me and I know it. I don't know what to do about it. I try to be calm and collected. But ROAR in a second I go from zero to 100.
Anyways I love you. And I am sure there are a ton of people that love you. You just can't see it. One day you'll come out on the other side and you will be happy. I've been there done that. Just try to do something that makes you happy. Have you tried a Wii Fit to help you lose weight? It seems to be the only thing that works for me.
Powerful poem. But by viewing your interesting style of writing I know there's one thing you can't be down on yourself about. Cool blog. Not a hate at all.
ReplyDeleteI love you. You are kind, and funny, and sweet. Yes, you have your issues. But you are who you are, and you're holding it together despite everything. Be proud of you. What others think is their problem, don't make it yours (easy to say, I know).
ReplyDeleteEmbrace those small victories. Baby steps are as valid as giant leaps. You will get there. Stay strong. I love you ((hugs))
At the risk of making you turn away from me, what I hear from my own experience in therapy now, is your last line and it has to do with self-hatred. Work on that and all those other things won't seem so dark. However, I'm still working on that...I feel bad about everything. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be lovely if there was a magic pill that just made everything all better? Today my doctor said, "Now this isn't a magic pill..." and I was all "Damn it! Whyyyy?"
ReplyDeleteMaybe someday someone will invent one. Dealing with it and trying to get over it is no fucking fun.
"My Inner Child Cries" has been included in this weeks Sites To See. I hope you like the image I featured, and I hope this helps to attract many new visitors here.
ReplyDeletehttp://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2010/08/sites-to-see_20.html