I Was Waiting For Something

good to happen. That’s why I haven’t posted in a while. Well. Nothing good has happened. Yet.

The last thing I want this blog to be is a poor me blog. That’s not the point of it. I want to share my feelings, good, bad, and indifferent. It seems as if I’ve been on a low lately, so there has pretty much just been a little bit of bad.

I hate when I go into my therapist’s office feeling okay and end up being completely and totally blindsided by her.

My 11 year old son needs some treatment too. I’ve been trying to get him back into therapy for over a year now. Finally, they listened to me, even though his medication doctor thinks he “looks fine and doesn’t need therapy.”

Due to some of my own issues he ended up missing this appointment. Then my daughter became sick. I mean really sick. Like temperatures around 104.4 F. Then when she started to feel better, I was hit dead on with whatever she had. And, let me tell you, I just felt like I wanted to die. I was sick. Sore throat, Cough that rattled to the bottom of my chest. Fever. Just a generally all around BAD malaise. I just wanted to lie down and not ever have to get back up again.

I hadn’t called to reschedule my son’s appointment, because I figured I should wait until we were all well again. They won’t see anyone if they are sick.

But she made me feel like shit because I hadn’t done it already. And I told her my reasons. Being sick was one of them. The other was this crazy bad phone anxiety I have. I hate the phone. I hate to use the phone for almost anything. Even if it’s just a simple call to a friend. I don’t like it.

She just kept going over how I should have called before, even if we were sick. Even if I have a strange phobia of the phone. She went over this five times during the session. I swear.

So I blubbered and cried through the entire session.

Why, she asked?

Because I feel stupid for not wanting to use the phone. I feel bad that I didn’t follow through with something that will benefit my child. It just all around makes me feel bad. And then for her to continue to go over it again and again (which she denied doing), just made me feel worse and worse.

What do I do to feel better? I don’t like feeling like this. Why didn’t that little girl inside of me grow up, so I can have normal adult emotions? Why is she such a big part of me? Why can’t the “normal” me win over the little girl part of me.

I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel better and be right. It seems like it should be so simple. The intelligent part of me says it should.

The little girls says it’s not.

A Bit Of A Sad Day

I feel like I’m having a tiny bit of a breakdown today. I’m just weepy and sad. I don’t really feel like doing anything either. It’s nothing major. just the same old stuff I go through all the time.

I can’t really pin down the reason for this low. And of course I have to pick everything apart and try to understand every deep dark little crevice.

Maybe it’s because I just came down from a mini mania. And when I come down or go up, I usually cannot sleep for a night or two.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick the last few days with a fever and a nasty cough.

Maybe it’s because a few days ago I found and old friend who has always been dear to me. Even though we had a nasty falling out.

And even though this falling out was 12 years ago, she still doesn’t seem ready or willing to forgive me.

And even though I wrote and email and told her I was so, so, very sorry for what had happened in the past, she just said she didn’t know what to say and offered no apology in return.

And that’s okay. Really it is. She doesn’t have to apologize if she doesn’t want or isn’t really sincere about it.

She doesn’t even have to like me.

But it still makes me sad that 12 years later she is still holding this grudge over me, in the beautiful Christian heart of hers.

What does that say for me?

Am I so horrible now, or was I such a monster in the past that I don’t deserve forgiveness?

Is this problem, or hers.

Do I just let her go again? I think maybe I should, because it’s hurting my heart, but at the same time, I just don’t feel okay about it.

Maybe the low is because I would have been 5 minutes late for school and couldn’t handle the idea of walking into that auditorium and walking to the front center, where my spot is, in front of 140 other people.

Maybe it’s because instead of going to college, I went to Burger King, where I went inside the restaurant (if you could call it that) and ate by myself.

And even though I knew I was going in by myself, on purpose, I still felt totally alone and isolated eating my fries and Whopper at that small, lonely table.

Or maybe it’s because I paid $69.50 for a pair of jeans yesterday.

I’m not sure. But that’s all I’ve got.

I really do not want to go to school tonight. I have biology lab, and it’s a very tough class. I just don’t feel mentally strong enough or prepared to endure the challenge.

Here’s me. Just a little sad today. I should be happy that you can’t actually see any of my gray hairs….

I Just Told My Best

friend that I don’t care for her boyfriend. They have only known each other for about 2 months. At first he seemed okay, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized that he wasn’t really right for her.

How do I know he’s not right for her? I can’t explain it. It’s a gut feeling I have. It SCREAMS at me every time they’re together.

I hate that she rarely talks to me or to her other “old” friends now that she’s with him. It’s like she’s lost all self identity. This fast.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I just felt I had to. I felt like I was being fake. Like I was being a two-faced person. Lying. I don’t like feeling like that. I’d rather have everything out in the open, even if it hurts.

Was I wrong?

I feel like I’m going to lose her. Especially now after what I told her. I ache to the very core.

Irrational Fear of Sleep

Yes, I have an irrational fear of sleep. I hate to sleep. I would rather sit up staring in a stupor at the computer screen, so tired I cannot even comprehend what I’m looking at, then actually go lay down and fall asleep. I would rather stay up as long as possible and be so tired I can hardly function the next day, then go relax and drift of to dream land.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is one of the diagnosis's I received a couple years back. I think it’s one of the “heavier” ones they told me I had.

Because of it, I have terrible nightmares. These nightmares are so vivid and real like I will wake up scared out of my mind. I’ll be so scared I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m really awake or alive. I’ll be afraid to get up and use the bathroom, or to roll over and wake my husband up, for fear that the things that happen in these dreams are actually true.

Many times I will still be in the dream stage of sleep, so when I wake up I’m paralyzed. This is especially scary because I dream that I’m dying quite often.

So, even though I told my husband I was turning off the computer and coming to bed, here I still sit, typing a post that most certainly could have waited until tomorrow.

I do not like clowns, and have nightmares about them often.

Photo courtesy of  therealjondo

One Of The Reasons

I start to wonder if I'm really just wasting my time trying to get my BSN in nursing is when I start to have a panic attack and burst into tears when I'm told I cannot look over a test I've already turned in.

Because the instructor didn't give me the directions for the test before she let me start it.

Even if I arrived to class 25 minutes late on a test night so I wasn't there to hear the instructions in the first place.

And that's only because, apparently, I can't tell time.

How the hell will I EVER be able to hold down a job? A demanding nursing job, at that, if I can't even hold myself together when I'm not allowed to look at a test after the instructor gave me some instructions after I turned the test in?

I hate that I can not have a "normal" reaction to a given situation about 95% of the time. Well, I don't know if it's quite 95%. But that's what we're going to go with. 

I'm learning in therapy how to "be in the moment." How to use my "wise mind."

There's obviously a shortage of wise minds being in the moment around here.

It Starts. Maybe.

This is a blog I've wanted to start for a very long time. I've actually started it in other place, done a post or two, and then left it alone.

I want to blog about my mental health. It ain't always pretty and I don't like to put stuff that's too heavy on my other blog. I try to keep that one sort of funny. If you could call it that.

Whatever.

Anyway, I am just really scared to begin this blog. About a year and a half ago (2 years? something like that), I was diagnosed with some afflictions. See? I'm afraid to even say them. I put up a blog about it on MySpace, and my family saw it.

Needless to say, they were PISSED!! It was just one more example of how I'm such a bad daughter. How could I DO that to my family? Oh, it was terrible. Family members who I hadn't talked to in years and years were coming out of the woodwork to tell me how bad it was and ask me how I could do that to my family.

I did take that blog down. I realized that how I worded some of the stuff, it did sound like I was being terribly harsh and mean. but I didn't really intend for it to all come out like that.

I've thought about trying to make the blog anonymous, but then I'm not really being true, am I? Not only that but there are so many ways to figure out who is actually writing the blog. So, I feel that it's just kind of pointless to try to do it that way.

Plus my family pretty much doesn't even talk to me anymore. What do I have to lose?

But why do I feel the need to write this blog now?

To help me feel sane.