I Hate Me.

I hate that I can’t be someone my mother loves.

I hate that I can’t be someone my step-father loves.

I hate that I can’t be someone my biological loves.

I hate that I can’t be someone who makes her husband happy. That I can’t be someone he loves and is kind to all the time.

I hate that I can’t be kind to my children. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t be as loving as I want. I try. I try hard. I guess it’s mostly a learned thing that I just can’t seem to surpass.

I hate that I’m overweight and can’t seem to lose a pound, no matter how hard I try.

I hate that I’m depressed and anxious over almost everything in life.

I hate that the depression and anxiety make it hard for me to do  anything.

I hate that it feels like a victory if I can brush my teeth or my hair in a given day.

I hate that I can’t be good at anything. That I never accomplish anything.

I hate that I fail at everything I try.

I hate that I self-sabotage myself every time something good happens.

I hate that people I know and love, that anybody has to be near enough to feel my toxicity.

I hate me.

I Think It’s Official. I Hate

my therapist. Or clinician. Whatever you want to call her.

I was supposed to have an appointment on Thursday with her. It didn’t happen.

I take a medicine for my diabetes that sometimes causes problems with my lower digestion tract. I’ll leave it at that, but I think you get the picture.

It doesn’t happen everyday. But sometimes it hits me hard. That happened Thursday.

I ended up being late to my appointment because of this. I thought I was only going to be late by 10 minutes at the most. It ended up I was 15 minutes late.

I’ve been having a hard time lately, and I thought she would at least see me for a half hour session.

Not the case.

First she made me wait 10 minutes before she came out to get me. Okay. Just a little bit of passive-aggressive behavior on her part.

When she got me back to her office she just flat out said that she was going to reschedule me.

No hi, how ya doing? Is everything okay? Nothing.

I explained to her what happened, why I was late.

It didn’t matter to her. She rescheduled me for over 3 weeks out.

I pleaded with her to see me for a half hour session.

She kept saying no. The reason she gave me was that she had planned an activity that would last an hour. She also said that people who have half hour sessions are only scheduled when an activity that lasts only a half hour is scheduled. (She has only once in the last year or so EVER scheduled anything with me. Usually it’s just talk about what’s going on in my life).

I asked her if there was any flexibility in her planning.

Nope. Not at all.

In fact, she dropped her pen, let her hand fall into her lap, gave an exaggerated sigh and said, in exasperated voice, No, Melissa, there isn’t.

I told her that I didn’t appreciate her demeanor while telling me this. I told her I felt she was being very unprofessional.

One of the things I work on is perceiving the world correctly. Sometimes I read into things more than what they are. Not the case here.

She does shit like that to me all the time. When I call her on it, she says in a completely over-sickeningly sweet voice that she is sorry I am perceiving her that way, but that’s not what she intended.

Like I’m so goddamn fucked up I can’t tell that she’s screwing with me.

What the fuck ever, bitch.

I’m sick of it.

Long ago I asked her if I could speak to her supervisor about switching to a new clinician. I told her I felt we didn’t quite click and that I really didn’t feel comfortable with her. On a side note, one day she let me sit the whole hour with salad dressing on my face. Funny now, but who would do that?

She told me that there would be a next to zero chance of me being able to switch to a different clinician. She said it was just something that they did not do, unless there was an extremely MAJOR problem. She said I could try, but that I’d be wasting my time, because it just wouldn’t happen.

So I let it go. And kept seeing her for the last few months. I think I talked about one of my last appointments on here. The one where she made me feel like shit because I didn’t call to reschedule my son’s appointment.

I called her supervisor after Thursday’s incident and explained everything to him.

One of the things I mentioned was not speaking to a supervisor earlier because my clinician told me there was pretty much no chance I would be able to switch to someone else.

Her supervisor told me that that was certainly NOT TRUE.

What I don’t get is why she wouldn’t let me see if I could switch earlier?

Was she afraid that it would look bad on her?

Or did she think she would get in trouble?

Did she think she was so fucking amazing that she could fix what was unfixable with our client/provider relationship?

I just don’t get it.

I’m done with her though.

Completely.

I told her supervisor that I would not have any appointments with her. Either they switched me, or I would suffer on my own.

I don’t need her to make me feel worse than I already do.

I am proud that I took a leap and used the phone to contact the supervisor to stand up for myself.

Wooo Hooo!!

Having A Best Friend Means

that even if you had plans for her to come over and something else came up, like your kids are invited to a birthday party, she will still come over just to wait for you to come home.

And when you are gone she will clean your kitchen, just to help you out. She will do all of your dishes, even if there are more than 1 dishwasher load, even if she hates to do dishes. She will clean off your counters, tables, and computer desk (which is in the kitchen) because she knows about your OCD and how you have a really hard time throwing away certain things.

And when you finally realize that the kitchen is clean and wondering who did it she will say

Please don’t be mad at me.

And all you can say is,How can I be mad at you for helping me out. For understanding that I have certain obstacles and difficulties in my life. For helping me overcome those obstacles and difficulties without ever, ever judging me. For just jumping in and giving me a hand. Most people wouldn’t do that.  I will never be mad at you for helping me. I love you and appreciate what you do for me. And even though James takes you away from me most of the time, you are still my best friend and I will always be here for you, because you will always be there for me.

I love you, Lisa. Thank you for letting me be me.

(I apologize for the bad photo, once again. I had to download it from my facebook account, and photos always suck when you do that).

This Past Weekend My Husband

and I, but mostly my husband had the pleasure of helping one of our friend’s mom out. I’ll call her Nana.

Friday morning they woke up without power to three of the rooms in their home. They tried the normal things you would try if this happened to you. Nothing worked.

My husband said he would go take a peek to see if he could figure out what was wrong. He was able to fix it. Turns out it was a loose wire.

After he was done with that, Nana mentioned how she was able to purchase a newer washer and dryer from a friend who was losing her home, and how someone she knew said he would pick up the washer and dryer and ONLY charge her $25 depending on how far he had to drive.

Really?

We spent most of the day Saturday helping Nana get the washer and dryer, haul away her old ones to Goodwill and hook up the newer ones.

And we did it for free. Who charges a FRIEND money to do things like that? Especially if it’s in town.

That’s not the point of this story though. It’s a long-winded way of getting to the point. I have more long-windedness before I get to the point. Please bear with me. I can’t help it.

This wonderful, kind woman has watched our three children a few times before. Why? Because she likes to do it. And she has never asked us for a dime to do it. She even feeds them every time they come over.

In about two years my husband and I, along with our friend, who is Nana’s daughter, and her boyfriend would like to take a cruise. I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise, but I really do not want to take children and I have nowhere to bring them.

The dog kennel won’t accept children. Even if it’s only for a couple of days.

Nana said she would be happy to watch the kids while we’re gone. Even if she has to take vacation to do it.

Imagine that. Someone wanting to take vacation to watch our kids. For free.

I broke out in tears when she told me she would be more than happy to do this.

She looked a little perplexed and I explained how I didn’t think my own family would do it, even if we paid them.

Her response was that being paid wasn’t the point. The point was being able to spend time with the children.

I just cried harder. Where has this woman been my entire life? Someone who enjoys spending time with me, and with my children. Just for the joy of it.

I thanked her for “getting it.”

How come everyone can’t “get it?”

And by everyone, I pretty much mean my family.

Nana says, “God works in mysterious ways.” I am inclined to believe she is right.

I cry as I type this, but they are mostly tears of joy. I feel blessed that this wonderful woman has come into our lives.

It feels good to have someone to call family. I never knew family could make a person feel this good.